The Day Atlantis was Saved by Porn Stars
by Croag
Summary: Uhh...crack. Total and utter crack. Sailor MoonSGA cross over. Mcshep preslash if you squint. Did I mention crack? Probably some OOC smooshed up in there too.


A/N: Uh...can you say "crack"? That's what this is. All the way. You know what a really obvious clue is? It's a Sailor moon/SGA crossover. That's a pretty big, glowy arrow pointing at, "smokin' too much damn pot!". :P Or, in this case, not enough sleep. Kind of off an on with Rodney's POV.  
Disclaimor: I no own this. Oog.

Atlantis is in dire need of heroes! The Wraith have come and they are kicking our collectives asses! Who could possible be there to save us?

A bunch of girls in mini skirts that can dance?

Are you kidding me?

Oh…

Seriously?

…Fuck. We're screwed.

Mckay stared at the girls (And _how_ old were these girls? I swear I see a twelve year old in there. I am _not_ being saved and outdone by a twelve year old with pink hair, for god's sake!) as they uhh…fought?

Well, to him it looked more like dancing but little lights were flashing everywhere and the Wraith were recoiling so…fight. Dance fight?

Mckay continued to stare.

God he needed off the crack.

It was crack right?

Forget the fact he's never actually taken crack, because this has all got to be some drug induced haze!

He was not being saved by a bunch of high school whores with magical powers! No! No! He was-he was to-to-to…!

Goddamn it.

Where the hell was John? Shouldn't he be the one to save the day?

"Get off your lazy ass and save Atlantis!" And then he saw the colonel, sprawled out on the floor…unconscious.

Was he dead?

Mckay kicked him, and couldn't help but think, '_He damn well better be'_ After all, no way in hell was he going to let these girls save Atlantis if John was still alive.

And Jesus Christ, how did they get here?

"Uhh…" he raised a finger, dabbing at the air, "Hello? Genius speaking!" They all kept fighting, and Rodney, being the patient man he was, grabbed a wrench and threw it in their general direction. Oddly enough, it hit the one man in that whole fighting fiasco (who looked like he just got out of some masked ball or something and threw a _fucking rose_ for a weapon! I mean, come on, the pink twelve year old had a manlier weapon than this guy!) and Rodney couldn't help but feel a small twinge of satisfaction as he watched. The blonde did what any other soldier would do in the middle of a battle, she dropped her weapon and ran to the Mr. Tuxedo's side.

"Tuxedo Kamen!" she screamed. And Mckay blinked. Tuxedo Kamen? What the hell?

A screech was heard right in his _ear_, and he winced. Whirling around, Mckay rant locked and loaded for the rant of a lifetime!

…it died when he saw who screamed.

He was expecting some rainbow colored bimbo.

He got a crying and frantically sobbing Miko.

What. The. _Hell?_

"Oh no! Sailer Moon's in trouble!"

Sailor moon? He was being rescued by a blond girl named _Sailor Moon_?

Oh fuck no.

It was official.

Mckay was going to do it. He was going to walk right up to those Wraith and go,  
"Hi…kill me now. Please. This city is too damned weird for me. I can't take it. So please, kill me. Have mercy. Eat me. I'm like a whopper. You'll love me." chopped sentences and all.  
And then something even more terrifying happened.

Zelenka showed up…with Bates. And Ronon. Fucking I'll-eat-you-for-dinner- Ronon!

And unlike Rodney, they knew what was going on.

"Mars! Watch out! Steve the third has a mean right hook! Mercury! Oh no! Use your super…water power!" Ronon exclaimed. Mckay couldn't help it: he gaped.

"What the fuck is wrong with you people? You realize this is basic porn, right? We have porn stars protecting Atlantis! Bates! Ronon! Why aren't you doing anything? Get off your Neanderthal asses and be useful! Swear to god, a snail would be moving into action faster than you are! And Zelenka! What are you doing? Get a gun or something! Do something!" But everyone, and by everyone he meant four other _crazy_ people, ignored him…

…and continued cheering on the interplanetary bimbo superheroes. Because, for some reason, they were named after planets.

Again, porn stars come to mind.

'_How the hell did these people get on Atlantis anyways? Whatever happened to good background checks? Wouldn't, "I have super magical powers that include spewing nauseatingly pink hearts out of a wand" or "I throw roses for a hobby" show up? I mean…that's not easy to hide, right? How hard could it be to find that stuff?_'

Apparently it was hard. Hell, it better be damn near impossible because they were here, saving his life, and making Mckay wish for death.

Oh god, what happened to the world?

The blue haired one looked to him, weird little blue visors covering her blue eyes in her blue uniform (She could blend in with the Wraith, honestly. Hell, if she were shorter she'd be a bonafide smurf. Good for her.), raised her hands, weird little water particles forming a ball in the air, and oh shit was she going to fire that at him?

The water came spewing at him, as she screamed, "RODNEY!"

Mckay jerked up, spazzing out and landing sprawled on the floor, blinking dazedly at the ceiling. And then looking at Sheppard's smirking face…and the small, dripping bucket in his hand.

"Rodney, we have a staff meeting. Coming?" He blinked, looked around, and then blinked again.

"Colonel, have there been any high school girls running around throwing evil hearts at people? Or perhaps a guy in a Tuxedo throwing roses? Or maybe a tall Smurf woman conjuring up magical water?" John stared at him, frowned, and then felt his forehead. Well…more like groped it.

"Ow! My eye!"

"Sorry." Mckay scowled. He sounded more smug than sorry, "…Well, doc, you don't feel like you have a fever. Did you hit your-"

"I'm fine!" Rodney swatted the hand away, stood up, and glared at the bemused colonel, "And thanks for the 'shower'."

"Just speeding things up, doing my part for humanity. After all, what are friends for?"

"Yes, yes. BFF and what not. I'll got get the bracelets and whatever. It'll be fun."

"Aw, shucks Mckay. BFF? Do we get a secret handshake of everything?"

"Yeah," Mckay flicked him off.

Really, he couldn't deal with this crap right now. He hasn't had any coffee yet.

John just grinned and gave him a thumbs up, before leaving.

Well…

It was time to do a thorough background check on all of the staff…and then go to Carson and demand a drug test.

And by demand Mckay meant harass and threaten and bribe and annoy until he got his way.

After that, he'd go kill Sheppard and hide the body.

A/N: Weird? NO! It's quite normal, I swear.


End file.
